With my nose to the grindstone and pure determination, I dealt with the changes in our Shadow family structure as each new girl came in. Our little team of people pitched in when they could. However, the question of my calling got louder as I pondered if I should stay or return to the States. I had to sort all of this out in my fatigued state of mind while life in the orphanage continued.

Josselin* and Lorena* suffered a major disagreement, with yelling and threats. They talked to the other girls, looking for supporters for their side. The division developed into a Hatfield-McCoy type of situation, and retaliation took place behind my back. I called a family meeting. With all of the girls present and wearing questioning looks, I drew a pretend line along the floor.

“Any of you who want to be part of this family and to serve in the love of the Lord, please come to my side. Those of you who don’t want to be part of this family, move to the other side.” I knew that they would come to my side of the line, but I also knew that they had to see this for themselves. It became a choice for them to make. The expected happened with lowered heads and tears. Suddenly, nobody could remember what caused the disagreement. Lorena looked at Josselin and gave a little grin. Others picked upon this action, and the girls broke out into giggles. We formed a circle, held hands, and prayed. The girls went to one another asking for forgiveness. It felt good to have unity again, even though it ended up being short-lived.

Two girls went into trances on a regular basis. It took a lot of talking and praying to get them to look me in the eye and for them to repeat the words, “I am a child of God.” Whatever had a hold on them broke when someone spoke these words aloud. These trances happened at school and at home, sometimes several times a week, requiring constant attention.

The difficulties in the Home took their toll upon me physically and mentally. One particular day, I stood on the second-floor landing, looking down into the living room at some of the girls playing. My body cried out for some sleep. Discouraged and exhausted, I wanted to curl up in a ball somewhere and block everything out. I felt like the love and counsel I poured out was rewarded with lies and complaints. I slipped into feeling sorry for myself. In the midst of my thoughts, I heard the Lord say, “Carroll, where would each one of these children be right now if they weren’t in this orphanage?” That got my attention. My eyes scanned over several of them, and the reality hit me like a sledgehammer. In my mind’s eye, I saw two in prostitution. Another being sexually abused by the mother’s boyfriend, and another passed around like a toy among the street-gang members. Tears came to my eyes. Lord, please forgive me for my selfish attitude. You said you would give me what I need, and I think I need a heavy dose of strength and energy now.

My attitude took a turn that day. When I felt like I had come to the end of my rope, I looked at the girls around me and pictured where they might be if they were not with us. I wanted to be here with them. I hadn’t made a mistake hearing the call from the Lord.

With a larger population of girls, came time to hire a married couple to share the responsibility of the children. I took eight of the older girls and moved to an apartment below the big house. The additional help allowed me to find valuable time for rest.

*Names have been changed.